Back from hiatus (the last 7 months)

Top to bottom, left to right: Valentine's Day flowers on a lovely day I never got to say thank you for; a coffee and a cake at the most adorable cafe; a gate in my new neighborhood; a weekend getaway; this morning with my best friend at Christmastime; spring in Germany; a day trip with a good friend who moved away; the sun setting in Paris; packing my bags for that trip; and meeting my mom there; my man JJ at Christmas; early summer in Nürnberg; a corner of my new home; the Eiffel Tower and me; fresh mushrooms from the farmer's market; Fränkisches Bierfest and some delicious red beer; World Cup public viewing; Beer festival; another bier festival ;-) and my mom and aunts visiting Germany! 

I have started this post and ended it almost a million times, not really sure where to start, what to say, what to share and what not to.  I have been putting it off, but I feel like every day my desire to write and share grows stronger and stronger.  So much has changed in the last 7 months and in my struggle to process it all, I have started to miss having this space.

I wish I could say that all of the changes were positive, but that's just not the case.  They were at first; I stopped writing at first because I was just enjoying things so much that I didn't really want to spend the time on my computer.  But then, as quickly as that started, it was gone.  I found love again and then I lost it....again.  And for all the ways that I know I am partially to blame for that, this time around has been the most devastating, heartwrenching experience. The previous heartbreak compounds this one and it's all been almost too difficult to bear.

In the last few weeks, I have slowly started to come out of the heavy fog of it.  I am starting to see things more clearly and understand not only some of the mistakes I made, but also the changes I need to make in my life and the person I want to be in the future.  My heart still hurts, but in a way this has been good for me, a wake up call of sorts.  Perhaps, at some point soon, I will share a little more.

In the meantime, I have compiled some pictures which represent moments that I have been particularly thankful for in the last 7 months.  These are the little glimmers of light in the dark and I feel blessed to have had these lovely moments.

Oh, and I moved, yet again.  I love my new place and am so, so, so glad I have it!  Here is a sneak peak, with more photos to come soon!

When the leaves and everything else begin to change

Currently*

Making: Beaded keychains (I'll post about them here tomorrow!)

Cooking: With chanterelle mushrooms at least once a week.

Drinking: Yogi Bright Mood tea with basil and hops

Reading:  The Education of Little Tree by Asa Earl Carter, aka Forrest Carter, on the recommendation of my dear friend Ben

Wanting: The Creamy Chai Holiday Mercury Candle from Antrho 

Looking: A lot like Frida Kahlo, preparing for my Halloween costume

Playing: Good music all the time.  Current favorites include: Young the Giant, Kodaline, The Paper Kites and Sibylle Baier.  

Wasting: So much time on bad/awesome TV.  

Wishing: I could be enjoying autumn just a little bit more--that I didn't still have so many sad days
Enjoying: Autumn more than I expected to; spending time by myself; spending time with my girlfriends; knowing I will have no regrets about how I am handling things
Waiting: For the day I can get a dog, live way out in nature and cultivate a more simple life
Liking: Where I am for now 
Wondering: When I became an adult and when being an adult will start to feel easier 
Loving: Mom, dad, Kel, JJ, Danu, Ben, Shaquisha, Nicole, Kathrin
Hoping: That my 27th year brings me something better than my 26th year did.  
Marvelling: At how breathtaking and magical Germany truly is in Autumn
Needing: A hug from my mommy, cute new socks and something sweet
Smelling: Wood burning stoves being lit for the first time, roasted chestnuts, Nürnberger Bratwurst and my favorite Kitchen Spice candle
Wearing: New boots and lots of layers 
Following: My friends and family's advice and trying to just 'get over it' 
Noticing: How much I enjoy being by myself
Knowing: That I have a lot of people who truly love me and would do anything for me 
Thinking: About my future and what I want to do with my life
Bookmarking: Ideas for my new studio apartment...it's gonna be so girly and eclectic  
Opening: Myself back up to enjoying things
Giggling: With my girlfriends all the time
Feeling:   Strong and like I am worth so much more, things are going to get better and life is going to be good again

*Taking Stock post idea and list from Meet Me at Mike's 

Finding beauty in tears

This summer certainly hasn't been the best summer of my life.  In fact, it's probably been the worst, the hardest I've ever been through.  I hope it's the hardest I will go through for a long, long time.  I wish I could say that I am better today than I was two months ago, but I just don't think that is the case yet.  I still have a lot of healing to do.

But in the heartache, the struggle and very blue days, I have been fortunate enough to have a few moments take hold of me and breathe into me a deep breath of life.  These moments have saved me.  They are fleeting, gone in seconds, but they remind me of who I am and of the better days that lie ahead...

Once, after a hot evening shower, I opened the bathroom window and felt a cool summer breeze dance across my damp skin.  It was beautiful and I thought to myself, at least I can still enjoy the wind--that's got to count for something.  Another day, I was listening to good music on the train ride home from work when I saw the most beautiful pink and orange sunset.  Recently, it's been the way that the early evening light--faded, gold and soft--plays and shimmers in the late summer trees. It's been the color of figs when they are freshly sliced and the smell of the first autumn leaves damp and decomposing on the sidewalk.  

At first I felt guilty about not being able to control the pain and sadness.  (I am a firm believer that we choose to be happy in life and that happiness, or contentment rather, is something that must be nurtured.)  But, I have since decided that this particular form of unhappiness is out of my control, that this is a season in my life that I must embrace.  And I have.  If that means spending the next 6 months taking hot, teary baths and listening to depressing music, so be it.  Anyway, I will still keep searching out and finding the beautiful things.  The small things that lift my heart, even if just for a second.  It's who I am and the only thing that would really be a shame is if I lost that, too.